ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Randomize
