Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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