I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
