I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
