i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
