I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
