In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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