One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
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I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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