i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
