i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
