you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
