I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
