he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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