There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
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I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.