Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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