wakey wakey hands off snakey
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
