so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This baby is an asshole
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
