:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
