I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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