I accidentally had phone sex last night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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