Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
