Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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