Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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