mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's official drugs can't kill me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
