I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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