I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
