How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
