I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
