people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
