you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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