So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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