why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well I just put wine in my tea
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
