What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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