Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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