We're like a lot better than the average bears
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
