woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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