There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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