260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
