I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sober January is a disaster.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
