i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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