mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
