I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
