summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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