We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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