I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
