The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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