....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize