At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
