You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!