Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.