this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
