Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
