You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
How's work?
Spinning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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