I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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