If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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