i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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