pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she looked like the before picture.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
