I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
