Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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