I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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