Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
