I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
