My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
