After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
